It’s been a year since my sweet mom slipped through the bonds of this world and into her blessed eternity. It’s been an interesting year for me. Blinding grief . . . . . yet that’s the day one of my friends stops by with flowers (and I had to laugh because her husband stayed in the truck. Women and their emotions are too much for most men.) Trying to pick up and carry on and not stay in bed all day. Being strong so my kids don’t think I got beaten by the crazy stick.
Dreading holidays and birthdays. Christmas sucked and Mother’s Day was almost unbearable. Avoiding going to her grave until last month. Having somewhat of a breakdown in October and going to see my doctor. The stress I had been under for almost two years did a number to my health. STILL working on getting some of that straightened out.
Realizing that Mom wasn’t around for me to share the little things with anymore. A couple of months after she died, Amber got a new, more grown up hair cut. Mom would have been the first one I would have called and marveled with her about how Amber isn’t a little girl anymore. Or when Amber started shopping at Aeropostale and I realized she’s turning into a a young woman with a body I would have given my right arm for when I was her age. And let’s be honest . . . . . I’d give my right arm for it at my current age.
It’s probably also the reason I’ve kind of ignored my yard and let it run somewhat rampant this year. My mom didn’t have a green thumb, she had an emerald thumb! Working with all the landscaping I have always reminded me of her. I’ve just kind of let it go. I mean, it’s not overgrown, I just haven’t been as persnickety this year about spraying for weeds and keeping things looking beautiful.
But despite the bad, there’s been good. Realizing I could go on was something very good. It’s amazing, after you go through something like this, it seems like it’s all around you. Being able to help and encourage two women in particular who lost their dads this year has been a blessing. Also learning that the only thing that truly makes me feel better is my relationship with Christ and my husband and kids. Just simply being in the presence of Christ and my family has helped more than anything. I am so thankful for them.
And having a husband who puts aside his own grief to help me with mine. I know he misses Mom, too, but he’s always there for me. Not comparing miseries, not trying to shift the focus away from my healing, dropping anything and everything if I need him. Our anniversary is in two days. Last year he realized there was no way I was in the mood for celebrating anything. He didn’t gripe or complain . . . . he just loved me. And has been the best support anyone could hope for.
I also realized that the ONLY thing that satisfies is Christ. Years ago, I used to shop to feel better. The old voices tried to come back and tell me that I’d feel better if I just had a new shirt. This situation has made me see that nothing external is going to really help for more than 30 seconds. And since I hate the mall so much, it worked out for the best.
It’s been a great year, too. Austin got his braces off and was asked to be on a summer leadership team at church . . . . Amber is growing into a beautiful young woman – on the inside and out . . . . . . my dogs drive me crazy as much as they make me smile . . . . . and Tyler and I will actually go out and celebrate our 18th anniversary on Sunday. Overall, I’m doing fabulous. God is great, life is good and we all not only survived, but we have thrived this last year. And God gets all the credit for that one.