The Misadventures of Cheri

Mortifying my kids one swimsuit at a time

Things I ain’t never did

The idea for this blog is stolen lock, stock and barrel from The Pioneer Woman’s blog.  Must give credit where credit is due.  I think what first caught my eye is that she and I are the same age, minus the 1/2 year.    I know in the back of my mind we’re the same age, but whenever she mentions said age it always takes me by surprise.

Anyhoo, I am 42 years old.

And I have never done the following thinks.

1.  Owned a basset hound.  Oh, how I wanted to!  Until a groomer told me that the only dog that smelled worse than our pug was a basset hound.  Dream. Over.

2. {This is way harder than it seems.}

3.  Had anything pierced except my ears.

4.  Climbed a mountain just because it’s there.

4.1.  The only time I did climb a mountain, there was cute boy involved.  It was in the winter in Alaska and he drove us all the way back to campus with a gigantic green cluster of bugers hanging out of his nose.  I just couldn’t bring myself to tell him.  It was huge, ya’ll.

4.1.1.  He never talked to me after that.

5.  In 1993, I never resisted the urge to get Glamor Shots.

6.  Had a sister.

7.  Been to Australia, Europe, Asia or Africa.

8.  Danced in the rain with my husband.

8.1.  Been married to a man that enjoys dancing.

9.  Thought it was easier to raise boys.

10.  Thought said boy would be 14 days away from turning 16.

11.  Ridden a bull.

12.  Learned how to play the guitar.  Dangit.

13.  Been any good at any sport that required even the smallest bit of coordination.

14.  Been graceful and coordinated.

15.  Snorkeled without having a panic attack.

16.  Been on a zip line.

17.  Enjoyed skiing the three times in my life I’ve gone.

18.  Been able to have awesome dance moves.

19.  Resist squealing over my daughter’s dimples.

19.  Stop acquiring pets.  {I promise the two we have are the last two.}

{19.1.  Yes, I realize I said that about the chihuahua and then added a beagle.}

{19.2.  I’m serious now because the beagle has done unspeakable things to my house, yard and psyche.}

 

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Best Spam Ever

I love looking through my spam filter on WordPress.  Some you can’t understand, some are gross and some are awesome.  I received this spam comment in response to my Martha taxidermy post:

Thanks for youroutstanding suggestion
It\’s wonderful to locate other people who share my enthusiasm

Typical spam, yes, until I read the fake domain name, Golden Royal Retrievers.  In my post, I mentioned how disturbing the stuffed baby bear was.  {In a museum or educational setting?  Fine.  In a house?  Gross.}  I went on to wonder if The Martha was interested in stuffed and mounted golden retriever puppies or calico kittens.

You can see why I nearly fell out of my chair laughing at the comment.

I got my second best spam today . . . . a p*rn site telling me to change the color of my fonts.  They really are scraping the bottom of the barrel.

 

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Letter to my 13-year-old self

Dear 13-year-old Cheri,

First off, I’m very sorry about the acne.  It’s going to get worse before it gets better.  In college you will finally start taking Accutane and it will disappear forever.

I know exactly which boy you’re pining over right now.  Stop it.  Because in 9 years when his mother tries desperately to get you two together, you will foolishly run to Nordstrom and buy a lovely turtleneck and sweater ensemble.  You will show up at his mother’s house unable to breathe.  She will come to the door and tell you that he knew you were coming over, wanted to see you (don’t listen to her) but instead chose to go to a kickboxing match with his friends.  Kickboxing.  You will see him a few years later with his wife and thank God he chose kickboxing over you that fateful night.  Then you’ll glance at your husband and be all giggly about it.

Boys in general.  You will pine over many and none of them are worth it.  There will be one worth pining over, but guess what?  He won’t make you pine.  He’ll do very strange things like call when he tells you he will, he won’t play head games, he won’t lead you on only to start dating your roommate, he won’t make you feel like you’re babysitting him on dates.  He will be the one and he will be entirely worth the wait.  Ignore all the rest.

Get involved with choir in high school and study music in college, please??  Don’t listen to people who tell you you’ll never make any money with a music degree.  Because at this point in your life, you’re not making any money anyway.  You have a musical gift . . . . nurture and enjoy it.

Hoop skirt at prom so big that you have to walk up the stairs alone?  Don’t do it.

Also, just calm down.  About everything.  And I mean everything.

Yes, he is gay.

Yes, that one is a criminal.

Yes, this one over there doesn’t know you exist.

After you break up with a boy do not think you deserve an explanation when he doesn’t answer his phone.  And for the love of all that’s holy, do NOT call his work with a quivery voice asking where he is.

See why I told you to stop it with the boys?  You don’t have a very good history here.  But thankfully you won’t do anything too stupid that will impact your life permanently.

Your wedding will rock.

When tempted to put the $500 non-refundable deposit on an apartment your husband hasn’t seen, don’t do it. No matter how angry he gets, the money ain’t coming back home.

When you’re 42 you will realize all the garbage you went through (most of it created by yourself) will all be worth it.  So just hang in there.

Love,

Chronologically Advanced Cheri

 

 

 

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