It’s come to this. And for all of those thinking, “I knew it! I knew she was on the verge of a breakdown,” you can be quiet. This is a very well thought out strategy.
And the last straw.
Today while having a lovely lunch with my daughter, I noticed the waiter acting kind of strange. Aloof and almost stuttering. Yet he was the picture of charm and grace at the other tables. I’d seen this male behavior before, but it took a while for me to get what was going on.
What was going on was the girl sitting across the table from me. My daughter is gorgeous. It is what it is. And nothing I’ve done recently has stopped the male attention from flowing her way. Not even politely clearing my throat as the waiter stared at her while she was trying to decide what to get for dessert. He said, “Oh. I’m sorry. I spaced out there for a little while,” tucked tail and ran. Then when he brought the box for her leftovers, he put them in the box for her and drew a smiley face on the box.
Hello? Could he not see my death stare? Could he not feel the heat rising off my body? It was then that I devised a plan.
From now on, whenever I’m with my daugther in public I will be looking like the above picture. It’s all I can come up with short of her wearing a burqa. Any man, be they young or old, will have to think twice if it’s really worth it to stare at my daughter (or heaven forbid, talk to her) with me around. No one is that desperate. Or if they are, I can say, “I don’t bother him? He must be certifiable!”
Yes, this might have some social implications for me, but I have all the friends I need. I’m certainly not looking for a man nor am I running for public office. So really this is the perfect time in my life to
settle into the crazy employ this strategy. I’m liking it more and more.
And Mr. Waiter? Yes, you were cute, what with your neatly trimmed beard and all. But my daughter is 14 and if you can grow a beard? You’re too old for her.