The Misadventures of Cheri

Mortifying my kids one swimsuit at a time

WFMW: Another dumb thing . . . .**Revised**

**I revised this today for WFMW. Overall, I like Assets/Spanx and think everyone should have a pair – unless you’re uberskinny. And if you’re that skinny, shut up. **

A few months back I posted a blog about various dumb things I’ve done over the years. It was FAR from a comprehensive list. And of course, I’ve managed to add to the list since the post. This is me we’re talking about people. So here’s the most recent. Or not. Yesterday I mistakenly thought SPF 45 would keep me from getting sunburned. Nope. I look really embarrassed today AND I showed the guy at Hollywood Video the sunburn on my back.** ‘Cuz I’m classy like that.

Anyway on Saturday I was getting ready for church and wasn’t really “feeling” my overall appearance. Especially the midriff – or lack thereof – section. It was then I remembered I bought a pair of Assets a couple of weeks ago. The white trash Target version of Spanx. So I got all hot and sweaty forcing myself into donned my Assets and was kind of happy with the results.

Until I sat down in the car.

According to their false advertising, there won’t be any signs of your oh-let’s-just-call-it-what-it-is girdle. Nope. You could clearly see my Assets holding on for dear life by digging their self into my ample thigh flesh. Yeah, maybe if I had more muscles in my thighs, you wouldn’t see so much, but if I had rock hard thighs, would I really need these things? No amount of shifting or groping or pinching or prodding or pulling or shifting on my part could make the lines disappear. Great.

Then I stepped out of the car. My friends, when it’s 90+ degrees, do NOT wear your Assets with denim capris and two shirts. Don’t. do it. You will immediately want to wilt. I lumbered into church and made a vow to not sit down, no matter what. I was just teaching my class, so it shouldn’t be so hard, right? After 45 minutes of standing, I had to sit. Thankfully we were watching a movie in class so none of the kids could see me uncomfortably covering the line on my thighs.

When I got home all I could think of was getting those things off. Then Amber says, “Remember when you said we could go to the store and I could spend my money and I really want to go after dinner.”

AAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH! I didn’t get the stupid things off for 2 more hours.

I don’t know if I’ll wear them again.

Who are we kidding. Of course I will.

**Don’t worry, I had on a spaghetti strap tank top so I only had to turn around for him to see my sunburn.***

***Crap. Wearing spaghetti strap tank tops in public definitely earns a spot on the dumb things list. And so it goes on and on and on and on . . . . . .

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Some dumb things I’ve done

Exposing this much forehead would qualify

This is such a rich area, I might have to continue it on for days . . . . . . I just feel the need to purge so here goes.

  • Took my kids to Mt. St. Helens on the 25th anniversary of the eruption. I had no clue there would be so many people there crying and placing wreaths at the observatory. No. Clue.
  • Saw “I Am Legend” four days after putting our beloved pug to sleep.
  • Brought home an untrained adult English Setter. He went back to the rescue in a couple weeks.
  • Let my son go outside in a baby walker. He ended up on his head in a ditch.
  • Going to Boise, Idaho to see a friend in August.
  • Said friend and I thought it would be a GREAT idea to float down the Boise river with the two of us and 6 children. After three of them fell out of the raft and we got stuck, we walked about a mile back to our car in the 95 degree heat carrying all our stuff.
  • Shave my legs while dry (I can thank my mom for that lovely piece of advice).
  • Watch the Christmas ships on the Columbia river and think anyone in my family would like it except for me.
  • Give my daughter peanuts when she was 14 months old. It ended up in surgery for her. (This is officially the DUMBEST thing I’ve ever done.)
  • Encouraging my son to grow his hair out. I didn’t think he’d never want to get it cut ever again.
  • Thinking I could babysit a toddler and still homeschool my kids (that was very short lived, Praise the LORD!).
  • Putting a $500 deposit on an apartment before my husband saw it. He hated it and we lost the $500.
  • Becoming friends too quickly with someone who turned out to be a type of maniac.
  • Bending over a high school pool to talk to Amber while fully clothed with my cell phone clipped on my belt. Cell phone ended up in the pool.
  • Bending over an open salt water table with a camera around my neck.
  • Thinking the popping and cracking I was hearing in the elevator after my camera dunking was the elevator malfunctioning and I would save the day by telling someone.
  • The popping and cracking was my camera. Which was still around my neck.
  • About 10 years ago, not taking my diamond earrings out before going to a swimming pool with water slides.
  • I now have a diamond earring.

I guess that’s all for tonight. And I didn’t even touch the years before Tyler and kids.

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