**I revised this today for WFMW. Overall, I like Assets/Spanx and think everyone should have a pair – unless you’re uberskinny. And if you’re that skinny, shut up. **
A few months back I posted a blog about various dumb things I’ve done over the years. It was FAR from a comprehensive list. And of course, I’ve managed to add to the list since the post. This is me we’re talking about people. So here’s the most recent. Or not. Yesterday I mistakenly thought SPF 45 would keep me from getting sunburned. Nope. I look really embarrassed today AND I showed the guy at Hollywood Video the sunburn on my back.** ‘Cuz I’m classy like that.
Anyway on Saturday I was getting ready for church and wasn’t really “feeling” my overall appearance. Especially the midriff – or lack thereof – section. It was then I remembered I bought a pair of Assets a couple of weeks ago. The white trash Target version of Spanx. So I
got all hot and sweaty forcing myself into donned my Assets and was kind of happy with the results.
Until I sat down in the car.
According to their
false advertising, there won’t be any signs of your oh-let’s-just-call-it-what-it-is girdle. Nope. You could clearly see my Assets holding on for dear life by digging their self into my ample thigh flesh. Yeah, maybe if I had more muscles in my thighs, you wouldn’t see so much, but if I had rock hard thighs, would I really need these things? No amount of shifting or groping or pinching or prodding or pulling or shifting on my part could make the lines disappear. Great.
Then I stepped out of the car. My friends, when it’s 90+ degrees, do NOT wear your Assets with denim capris and two shirts. Don’t. do it. You will immediately want to wilt. I lumbered into church and made a vow to not sit down, no matter what. I was just teaching my class, so it shouldn’t be so hard, right? After 45 minutes of standing, I had to sit. Thankfully we were watching a movie in class so none of the kids could see me uncomfortably covering the line on my thighs.
When I got home all I could think of was getting those things off. Then Amber says, “Remember when you said we could go to the store and I could spend my money and I really want to go after dinner.”
AAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH! I didn’t get the stupid things off for 2 more hours.
I don’t know if I’ll wear them again.
Who are we kidding. Of course I will.
**Don’t worry, I had on a spaghetti strap tank top so I only had to turn around for him to see my sunburn.***
***Crap. Wearing spaghetti strap tank tops in public definitely earns a spot on the dumb things list. And so it goes on and on and on and on . . . . . .